i've moved back to diaryland. here. kindly (re)update bookmarks. LJ has been nice. =)

[	Current Mood	|	anxious	]
[	Current Music	|	jaded - aerosmith	]

i am crossing my fingers that either HDB/SAF/education will appear in the test because i have only managed to cover these lecture topics. technically i still have two more readings to do but i'm so so tired. =(

yesterday i had a funny dream. i was in a school (presumably JC) and then a group of us skipped malay class because we took our own sweet time to wash up/shower after PE. (i can't remember who exactly) but then i was sitting with aleen near a vending machine that sold both canned drinks and tidbits. i inserted some money to get a can of 100-plus and then she quickly came over and pressed the 'twisties' button. amazingly, the can and two packs of twisties came out. we were excited because technically the twisties were free. then she put in a twenty-cent coin, pressed two twisties buttons, and another two packets came out. hahaha. cheap thrill. i don't know how much a pack of twisties cost in the dream, but i'm sure it's less than ten cents. so funny.

i hope the dad can bring the car back in time so i can drive to school just for a freaking test at 6:15 pm! argh. the injustices in the world. must think of where to go tonight. snappity snap!

[	Current Mood	|	sleepy	]
[	Current Music	|	someday we'll know - new radicals	]

now let's hope that everything will be stable in time to come.

point to ponder #1: should i get those big earphones that have a connecting "hard wire" that goes around the back of your head? because the boy bought a pair just now and it looked so good. while i was trying it out, i smiled to myself and he said "i know what that look means." pfffft! why do you always have to read my mind? anyway, i've come to a conclusion that: if i decide to buy those sort of earphones, i cannot use my straw carry-in-hand bags, because they won't match. i have to carry those casual looking canvas bags. you know, those bugis market bags. i can't use tote bags either. to pull off those earphones, i need to look a bit slackish/rugged-ish. so i might just buy the black sling bag i saw at far east last week. then when i get the next tuition pay, i'll get the earphones. pending. (downside: because the earphones will be outside my tudung, the sound is softer as compared to the normal earphones which go inside my ear.)

point to ponder #2: is it true that the more time you spend with someone, the closer you get to him/her?

point to ponder #3: today i wore my sister's blouse to school, and zila asked if it's new. does that mean we spend so much time together that she can spot anything new that i wear, or that my wardrobe is very very limited?

point to ponder #4: when should i revert back to diaryland? next week perhaps.

point to ponder #5: can i afford not to study very much for tomorrow's test? i need to beat those two engineering freaks who got an A+ (?!?!) for the first test. it insults my position as an (smoky) arts student.

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jealous

]

i'm at my wits' end. i really really really am. i felt like bursting into tears after (another) one hour conversation with a starhub fuck. (i'm sorry she was nice but i am just angry at starhub in general) so here it goes: there is apparently nothing wrong with the modem, according to the engineering side there. (whatever that's supposed to mean) the modem's working fine, so there must be apparently "something wrong" with my laptop. the desktops' connections are rather erratic and the downloading time is horribly slow. i don't see any connection, but what the hell. early termination fee is $500. i shall ask the dad to consider it. in the space of a year this is the third time something like this is happening. she asked me to update my antivirus and go download patches from microsoft. let me think of what i can do because in the first place i can't EVEN LOG ON TO THE FUCKING INTERNET!

i'm reaching the end, i seriously am.

it's going to be another maddening week. a lonely maddening week. i feel so lonely lately. maybe it's because i can't go fucking online, everyone's busy, and i'm slacking as usual. i should get myself busier so i won't feel lonely all the time.

and yes, i accepted the neighbour's request of coaching her two kids. yeah yeah, i'm crazy. i know that. but it's only once a week on sunday noons, and after my exams end i can increase it to two, but when term starts in august i'll probably pass it over to someone else. anyone interested can do pre-booking with me.

i am a very angrily bitter person now.

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bitchy

]

the internet connection has been a real bitch. i called starhub to have the person telling me to do this and that (just like the previous TWO times), but nothing worked. i'm now using a wired connection to the stupid motorola modem. damn pissed.

wednesday was town with hana, zila and fauziah. lunch at far east. zila and i bought a book from jbj. haha. headed to borders, looked at books, hana went off for work, the three of us watched stage beauty. niceness. off to meet the boy, early dinner at komala's, walk around city hall, had drinks at chocolate bar.

i think those promoters at guardian should be screwed. it's highly irritating when all you want to get is clean&clear facial foam and they start persuading you to get "a better one." then another one will start to advertise slimming products (yes i get the fucking point) and then another asking me to buy some new shampoo. i snapped and went no thank you and went on straight to the cashier. URGH. these things irk me. and store assistants should quit following people around the store. why can't they model themselves after australians/americans shoptenders? when a customer comes in, ask if you can help him/her. if they say "i'm just taking a look, thank you", bloody well leave them alone. don't be like a pathetic dog and tail them around the whole store.

a neighbour asked me to teach her two sons. urghhh. i shall tell her i can only afford to teach once a week. i am not going to sacrifice whatever free time i have left. the backward bending labour supply curve.

i am not going to do anything tomorrow. anything productive i mean. i shall lay in bed and read, bathe, eat, pray, sleep, laze around, watch tv, eat, sleep, read. you get the drift.

[	Current Mood	|	morose	]
[	Current Music	|	inner smile - texas	]

i cried when i read fiza's entry on her late father. i cannot imagine losing either of my parents, or any of the people close to me. when my late grandmother passed on, i didn't grieve much, either because her death was expected somehow or that i was not close to her during her sickness period because she had a stroke and couldn't talk. but now i remember a lot. walks in the park near my old house, where she'll pluck bunga melati/melur i don't recall which one, and then she'll string them in my hair. the times when she'll ask me to get things from the shop and she'll look down from the window. then i'll look up and wave to her. sometimes i'll shout out "maya sayang nenek!", oblivious to the people around me. i miss her a lot now. i wish she was still alive to see how much i've grown. i remember when the PSLE/O level/A level results were released, my grandfather cried and mentioned that she'd be very proud of me. i don't know how my grandfather dealt with her death. i really admire his strength. and his love for her. for two years when she was bedridden, he carried out her dialysis treatment, four times daily. he fed and bathed her. everything. death is a cruel thing. when a person you love dies, a part of you dies.

i hate ourselves because we don't feel enough. we don't empathise, we are not sensitive to the needs of others, we are not accommodating enough, we are too judgemental, we are too narrow-minded. we don't take the initiative, we don't rekindle dormant relationships, we don't care enough. we don't love enough. we don't talk enough.

i don't like it when i start to pick out the flaws in things. it makes me question. then it starts to make me feel inadequate and useless because i don't seem to be able to change anything. i told my mum that university education only makes me more disenchanted. we problematise everything and i see the flaws in the system. in the world. in things that happen around the world. for instance, i'll never see politics, pornography, gender and sex in the same light again. i can never read the newspapers without being cynical. so what, do we not question? do we stay in our peach-flavoured strawberry-laced bubbles and delude ourselves with illusions of grandeur? no wonder many geniuses kill themselves. because they know the answers but they cannot do anything to change the status quo. or maybe because they never found the answers.

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tired

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bumped into hannah and syaf on the way to school. stoned during history lecture. today's topic was NS. and i realised that NS=SAF most of the time. i mean it's discrimination isn't it? (i don't know if i'm saying this just because he's in CD. haha) sex lecture was on pornography. sex is so so so politicised i'm tired of it.

sat with aleen, shidah and zila at the forum for a while before going to jurong point to meet the boy. he was held up in camp so i went to the library. had old chang kee (zila: i reminded him he still owes you one curry puff. heh) and then two buses to tuition. anyway one thing i can neverstand is the disgustingly large throngs of people at boon lay. i mean, WHY ARE THERE SO MANY PEOPLE? it's nauseating. bleargh.

i'm so so sleepy. =(

i'm amazed at his strength. and patience. i could never keep my cool if i were in your shoes. i'd probably die of depression or something. but do know that you are always the hero in my sky.

my laptop is going to go to KL this week. the uncle is borrowing it. actually i'm not bothered because the internet connection is being so fuckingly erratic i cannot stand it anymore. i've always thought that the only people who call me 'sweetheart' is my father and the boy, so when the uncle said "take care sweetheart" when ending the conversation we had, it was pleasantly heartwarming. =)

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hopeful

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i am proud to say that all my essays for this semester are done. now there's just another history test on the 6th. then the bloody exams. yesterday was spent with aleen and zila, completing our essay at marine parade library. i don't believe it only opens for four hours on sunday. then we had a late lunch/early dinner at parkway parade's banquet. bought several brooches and food from marks&spencer. sent the two girls home. impromptu meeting with the boy. thank you for being able to read my mind. you always know how to.

i am going to start on angels and demons. =)

[	Current Mood	|	melancholy	]
[	Current Music	|	runaway train - soul asylum	]

zila and i headed to town after school, wanting to watch a movie. but when we got to lido the queue was so damnfuckinglong we decided not to. my body is aching as i type. the horrendous encounter at the science faculty earlier on already drained us and we had to be in town lugging around our bags and laptops and books. i swear i could feel pulls in my muscles. went to heeren, bought some stuff, and then ate at BK. i made two boo-boos today. (book instead of bottle and bag instead of belt) she said i was stoned. yes, because i slept for only three freaking hours yesterday.

i can't wait for tomorrow to be over. just now i was lying on the bed and my mind suddenly went blank and i swear i thought i teared. i am very tired. i can't even feel anymore and that's scary. another crazy round tomorrow and then everything (well, at least the essays bit) will be OVER. the exams can bloodywell wait. and the starhub wireless thingy is driving me nuts. like really nuts dammit. i think i tend to be more vulgar when i'm tired and agitated, no?

maybe i need a little time alone. sometimes i don't even know what i want/need anymore.

[

Current Mood

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tired

]

now i am sitting in the science faculty with zila. we had a ball of a time finding places to SIT in the science faculty. we had breakfast at the engineering mcdonald's then we took the shuttle bus down to the science canteen to get drinks from spinelli. we wanted to sit somewhere near lt32 because at two pm the boy will be performing for some malay studies society event. so we walked along the football field and turned left at the first science drive, thinking that there'd be a short cut. but no, the blocks didn't seem to have links to one another. so we went out to the main road again, turned at the second lane. we saw lt32 after slithering through nooks and crannies. walked the whole corridor, up and down stairs, no benches with plugs. continued to walk, took a lift to the first level and guess where we ended up at? a row of benches DIRECTLY BEHIND SPINELLI, THE PLACE WHERE WE FIRST STARTED. i can feel MILLIONS of beads of perspiration trickling down my back. so boy, YOU OWE US ONE! hahaha. but i think i've worked out enough to last me a week.

xx Corporal Hardee : 1 Guards Logistician xx says:
go google and search for pic...
xx Corporal Hardee : 1 Guards Logistician xx says:
try husni and see wat pic comes out first...
khor toat, ch'an rak kun. says:
hahha ok
xx Corporal Hardee : 1 Guards Logistician xx says:
you wont believe it....
khor toat, ch'an rak kun. says:
pompuannnnnn
khor toat, ch'an rak kun. says:
hahahahhaha
khor toat, ch'an rak kun. says:
pompuan pakai tudung kan?
xx Corporal Hardee : 1 Guards Logistician xx says:
yup....
khor toat, ch'an rak kun. says:
lepakkk
xx Corporal Hardee : 1 Guards Logistician xx says:
lepak...LOLZ
khor toat, ch'an rak kun. says:
haahah
khor toat, ch'an rak kun. says:
sial laaaa
khor toat, ch'an rak kun. says:
kau try aku nye nama
khor toat, ch'an rak kun. says:
porn siot
xx Corporal Hardee : 1 Guards Logistician xx says:
wohoo....
khor toat, ch'an rak kun. says:
rabakkkk
xx Corporal Hardee : 1 Guards Logistician xx says:
lagi lepak...
khor toat, ch'an rak kun. says:
hahahha

[	Current Mood	|	contemplative	]
[	Current Music	|	bizarre love triangle - frente	]

first of all, before anything else, i want to congratulate one of my best buddies, muhammad hardee, because he is going to NTU next year! and the best part is that he goes straight into second year. (that means he will graduate at the same time as the boys in NUS) you really deserve it beb! i'm so proud of you!

spent the night at hana's birthday barbecue. short but sweet. met fauziah, zila&sis and the boy. shidah and aleen were already there. talktalkeateat. dee and boy arrived later. i found a bitching kaki in the form of azura, zila's sister. haha. and the boy said he saw another side of me today. the-laser-mouthed-girl-with-her-friends.

[	Current Mood	|	blah	]
[	Current Music	|	fallen - sarah mclachlan	]

zila, thank you so much for that heart-to-heart talk over lunch. i didn't realise i had that much stuff to pour out. it is reassuring to know that you share my sentiments.

then we went to the library to gather material for the forsaken medical soci essay. i think we spent half an hour paraphrasing our titles. we are researching on the same topic, just that our variables are different. hah. talk about efficiency. (laziness)

all of a sudden, i'm evaluating friendships. it is debilitating. but i think i already know who my true friends are. they are the people whom i can bare almost my whole soul to. i know you're in a dire situation now and you need all the support i can give, and i'm sorry that i seemed insensitive earlier. i didn't mean to.

alright, back to sickening nauseating work.

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sore

]

somehow when you wake up early in the morning, the day appears to be more well-spent. but it will leave you dizzy and wobbly and exhausted by the time the day ends.

breakfast with him at civic centre, pored over the newspaper, train to clementi. i went to school for a one-and-a-half hour lecture while he met his primary school friend, farah, to pass her some pamphlets regarding some motivation seminar he's part of. re-met at clementi, train to bugis. old chang kee and tu-tu cakes (been a long time) before spending nearly two hours at simlim. circled practically the whole place because he wanted to check out the prices of LCD monitors and routers. i bought a new mouse, but it's not like the old one! this new one only has red lights and the buttons ain't that nice to press. pfft. by the end of it all my feet were aching.

off to NAFA for coffee. nice place, i love the beanbags. =) twice the price of coffeebean/starbucks, but it was worth it. (fiza, the lava cake was awesome! but he was the one who gobbled it down. i had the peaches 'n cream. great too) back to simlim because he wanted to buy a pair of headphones. then train to somerset, off to heeren to get hannah's presents. bus to plaza sing. spotlight to get my parents' anniversary gift of four small strawberry candles and a bag of potpourri. dinner at swensen's, then sat at istana park for a while. then it was a nice ending. =)

alright, narrative ends here. tomorrow i will gather material for the medical soci essay (yucks) and then head home to continue on the abandoned SEA essay. no tuition tomorrow night because the family has to go to church. yippeedoo.

anyway, i was acting kooky and strange on the way home and the picture below shows how he looked like. he claimed that "kau tak kena lah act gila." (translation: you're not suited to act stupid/crazy) and now i know what to do to irritate him. hum that pontianak song. HAHAHAHA. retribution boy. you've driven me crazy umpteenumpteenumpteen times with those sickening old malay songs.

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sleepy

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Teetering at the Edge: The Dynamics of Ethnic Nationalism, Islam and Separatism in Thailand and the Philippines. if only i can depend on titles to get me my desired grades. bleargh. i'm done with the introduction (?!?!) but since it's due next monday instead of this thursday, i will not give up my sleep tonight. so it's two essays due monday and another improved version of the malaylit essay on sunday. i think it's stupid, asking us to edit and re-submit. what's the fucking point? i'm not going to make any major changes. as if i got tendrils of time hanging from my fingers.

let's go to sleep now shall we? meeting the boy for breakfast at eight tomorrow. i know i'll be a zombie, but i'm so prepared to enjoy tomorrow. (despite the 2 hours in school for another damned medical soci lecture) i promise you, oh God, that i'll work my ass off from tomorrow night onwards, so grant me a great day.

it's my parents' anniversary today and i haven't even written in the card i bought. argh.

[	Current Mood	|	blah	]
[	Current Music	|	pantat nye essay!	]

many many thanks to hana! (noorhana? kak hana?) i've been notified that my diaryland site is up and running. the early february entries are still there. i'll move back there soon. once i'm done with the essay shit, i'll make a new jpeg, tweak some stuff, remove the archives and burn them into cds and then i'll resume blogging there.

i was so happy to find out the all the numbers and photos in the phone are intact. kudos to you samsung people. but i still want the e630c. argh!

i am thinking of having a road trip with my dad this december. i am sure my mum and siblings will not like the idea. start at johore, travel up north across malaysia, and visit those border thai provinces. i want!!! i've always had a fascination with borders. i've been at the queenslands-new south wales border, england-scotland border and northernmost tip of thailand (the golden triangle). and i want to be at the malaysia-thailand border!

[	Current Mood	|	blah	]
[	Current Music	|	learning to breathe - switchfoot	]

today we watched a video about the unionisation of sex workers. quite informative. i've decided i will write about nationalist/separatist movements among the Islamic minorities in SEA. i'm deciding between the malay muslims of pattani, the acehnese of indonesia and the people in mindanao. thought of colonialism but my dad said that would be a boring topic.

so we're not going to perth after all, because the uncle has sold his house over there. we're going to chiangmai/chiangrai instead. flight has been booked. my father is going through that brisbane/goldcoast cycle ALL OVER AGAIN. surfing the net to find food places, attractions, printing out maps and what-nots. i told him not to overdo it, because when we got to australia last june, we were spoilt for choice because pamphlets and maps were in abundant supply.

and my father told me to ask for the boy's help to take over his WISE programme classes for two nights while we're gone. good luck boy. :D

today dr leong told us the french believe that love should be accompanied with angst, melancholy and a streak of violence. i turned to shidah and said that i agreed. (and then she went "yeah. SM!" she got a good sense of humour) love should be raw, violent and at the same time, unadulterated. i don't believe in the passivity of love. love should be frank, passionate, distraught, unrestrained and bursting with emotion. i live for that kind of love. without facades.

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Current Mood

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exhausted

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thanks to all who expressed concern. i'm feeling a tad better, after those painkillers, whiny sms-es and the hot waterbottle. it's just a sprain, thank God. the boy was surprised that the doctor's visit was so brief. (many thank-yous because he came all the way to marsiling despite being sick himself) the doctor asked me what was wrong, then a few questions, bend here bend there a bit, then it was over. the pain has subsided, but getting up after sitting for too long still poses a challenge. bleargh.

the weekend was great nonetheless. i spent the WHOLE of yesterday, technically, reading the da vinci code and watching hallmark movies with my mother. so i'll spend tomorrow night working on the essay, and will probably not go to school on tuesday because i have no time to do it on wednesday. highspeed(no)life.

today the spongebob virgin (me) watched spongebob squarepants with them non-virgins. (hardee, peiyong, wan & the boy) not bad, at least i managed to laugh/smile at the funny bits. now i'm going to print history lecture notes, pack my bag and then watch another hallmark movie. oooh, i feel ancient.

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Current Mood

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worried

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it's getting worse. ohgoodnessgraciousme. he will accompany me to the doctor soon, and if the doctor refers me to a hospital, i shall get the parents to bring me there. this is scaring the hell out of me because it might be a slipped disc. i was supposed to work on my SEA essay over the weekend, but because i didn't go to school today (intended to get some material) that will have to wait till monday. tough hard luck.

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Current Mood

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sick

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i have a sprained back and a spoilt phone. the pain is extremely excruciating; i take such a long time to get out of bed/get off a seat and i swear i nearly cried when i was resting this evening. it was a freak accident, really. *pulls hair*

but thank you to the love who bought me those salonpas plaster thingies and saw me home. my mother just said i needed rest because apparently the same thing happened to her last time and it'll take some time to go away. so tomorrow i won't go to school, won't go for tuition and i'll keep my movements to a minimal. maybe i'd even use my grandfather's wheelchair to move around the house. sounds fun, no? and thank you to hana and shidah for bearing with my whiny and shifty self during tutorial. argh. =(